Intimacy is a difficult thing to define. Most people believe it includes a willingness to disclose one’s true thoughts, feelings, wishes, and fears.

If you know how to make conversations more intimate, you can make your emotional connection deeper and your relationship closer.

The level of intimacy in a conversation is determined by two things:

  • How much you disclose about yourself, and
  • How much you focus on the “here and now.”

Conversational intimacy occurs on a continuum.

For example, you could talk with your partner a trip to the beach with elements of low, moderate, or high intimacy.     

  1. Lowest intimacy conversations tend to center on facts, explanations, or information. These conversations can be interesting and enjoyable, but won’t help you feel closer to each other. For example, you might tell your partner about an article on surfing conditions at different nearby beaches.
  2. Low intimacy conversations include the ideas and opinions of others – friends, family, celebrities, etc. This is a little more personal, but since it’s still about other people and not you, it won’t promote closeness. For example, you might tell your partner about a friend from work who is thinking about renting a large beach-front house with other couples, the other couples who are invited, and how her friend’s planning is going.
  3. Moderate intimacy conversations include your own ideas or opinions, but don’t reveal your emotions. For example, you might tell your partner about the kinds of beach houses you like and their features, locations, etc.. 
  4. High intimacy conversations include personal experiences and the emotions that go with them. For example, you might tell your partner about the best beach vacation you ever had and how you you felt about spending time with your father fishing and talking about life.
  5. Highest intimacy conversations include your immediate thoughts, emotions, sensations, desires, and fantasies. They reveal what is going on inside of you in the here and now. For example, you might share that you feel happy about the idea of going to the beach with your partner and closer when you plan things to do together.

It’s normal in conversations to switch gears from low intimacy to high, and back again, as you discuss various aspects of a topic. You can have better emotional connection, however, if you include your thoughts and feelings in the present moment at least some of the time.

We would love to help you improve communication and have more intimacy in your relationship. Contact us now for a free phone consultation!

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