It’s clear now that the COVID-19 pandemic will result in the worst U.S. financial crisis since the Great Depression.  While the full scope of the financial fallout remains to be fully known — furloughs, job losses, and pay cuts have already hit many families hard.

In these financially challenging times, significant stress can be put on romantic relationships. Research has found that in times like these, it is even more important to show your partner love and support to contribute to relationship success. Its been found that the strongest relationships were those in which partners remembered to practice relationship maintenance behaviors, including respecting, being available, being supportive, and showing love and affection for one another.

Another takeaway of research is what works really depends on the context of each couple, something that works for one couple might not work for another. So, it is important for couples to keep lines of communication open during these stressful times to make sure the needs of both partners are being met.

Finally, it seems that practicing these behaviors can go a long way to ensuring relationship success for any couple, regardless of marital status and financial standing. And it is possible that some romantic relationships may grow stronger not just in spite of, but because of, financial challenges.

Financial stressors happen to everyone. They happen more often and to a greater extent to some people than others, but everyone experiences them. If you can use that stress as a catalyst to make positive changes in your relationship, it can be an opportunity to grow closer together, instead of having that stress tear you apart.

If you are finding that financial stress is putting extra pressure on your relationship, contact us to find out if counseling can help. We are offering secure, HIPAA-compliant video counseling over the internet for clients in Virginia, Maryland, and DC during this time of crisis.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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The COVID-19 Crisis has brought a new phrase into our lexicon: “Social Distancing.”  Paradoxically, while we are keeping our distance  from the population in general, inside our own four walls, we’ve rarely been so close to our partner day in and day out.

If you’re like many couples, you’re finding that the extra time you have from “sheltering in place” with your partner has solved some relationship problems. Now, for example, you might have time together to take walks, linger over a cup of coffee, or relax in front of the fireplace. You may even find it easier to be intimate since you are less exhausted from the daily grind.

On the flip side, the sudden need for quarantine may have put stress on your relationship. Whereas before you had work to give you a break from your partner, now you may feel you’re in a sort of marital confinement.

Even if you’re relationship is strong and healthy, when you’re together 24/7 for weeks and weeks, your partner’s habits and quirks, which used to be no problem to handle can suddenly feel like huge issues.

To mitigate this, you might find it helpful to try to mimic your normal routine. For example,

• Take Breaks. During what would be your commute times, take a bike ride or a walk.
• Get Busy. Find a solo project, for example, clean out a closet or get out in the garden, during what would be your normal working hours, for example, clean out a closet or a junk room.
• Make Time. Allocate time for other friends and family by emailing, texting, or calling during break times.

A crisis like COVID-19 is intense. It is bound to bring out our best, and worst, qualities. Just as we want our partner’s acceptance and compassionate during this time of stress, our partner needs that from us, too.

If you are finding that sheltering in place is putting extra pressure on your relationship, contact us to find out if counseling can help. We are offering secure, HIPAA-compliant video counseling over the internet for clients in Virginia, Maryland, and DC during this time of crisis.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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“Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right partner, but through being the right partner” – B. Brickner //

Finding, and then becoming, the right partner in a relationship can be a complicated journey. There is no one method to meeting “the one”, and then finding marital bliss, however, there are some key personality traits and qualities that can help promote a successful marriage. Although it’s true that every relationship has its own unique set of dynamics, these top ten qualities have been found to help promote long-lasting marriages in general.

Top 10 Qualities of a Successful Marriage

Physical

• Love, Affection, Intimacy, Compassion, Sexual Compatibility
• Commitment, Faithfulness, Loyalty, Honesty, Trust

Emotional

• Communication, Empathy, Understanding
• Support & Forgiveness
• Common Vision & Goals

Mental

• Patience
• Appreciation & Respect
• Willingness to Compromise
• Humor & Friendship

Financial

• Financial Compatibility and Stability

If your marriage is lacking in one or more of these areas, contact us today to see how counseling can help.  It’s easier and faster to change your life when you have a supportive venue to look at your problems objectively. Either alone or with your partner, counseling can help you figure out where you are off track and make an action plan to implement changes.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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Maybe you have heard of enabling, but you’re unsure what it really means. Enabling has both positive and negative meanings. It can mean being helpful, as in enabling someone to solve a problem or move ahead. There is a line, however, past which being supportive is no longer productive.

Enabling is when you tolerate or allow your partner to engage in behaviors that are unproductive, unhealthy, or addictive. When you are working hard to make things better and have given many “second chances” but your partner isn’t addressing the problem, there is a good chance you are enabling.

For example, you are enabling if you

• Look the other way if your partner keeps maxing out the credit cards and you pay them off each month without making it an issue.
• Make excuses when your partner sleeps late after drinking too much and you tell the kids he or she is sick.
• Rationalize the behavior. If you tell yourself that you’re partner’s job is important and that’s why he or she isn’t home with the family on weekends.
• Try to control the situation by giving your partner ultimatums about using porn and ignoring your sexual needs.
• Compensate for your partner by lending money, doing extra chores and childcare, and trying to solve his or her problems.

If you see yourself in any of these examples, you probably feel exhausted, angry, and depressed. You may realize that you are neglecting your own life because of your partner’s problems.  You may have your own unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress.

You also may be good at blaming yourself for the problem. The truth is that you are a good person. Most enablers are good-hearted, kind, generous, and forgiving. They cherish peace and hate conflict. They try to go the extra mile for others.

And because of your creativity, tenacity, and drive to make things better, you stand a very good chance of changing your patterns of behavior and restoring balance to your life.

In the next blog, I’ll give you tips for empowering yourself to make real changes. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. You’re a really good person.

It’s easier and faster to change your life when you have a place to look at your problems objectively. Either alone or with your partner, counseling can help you figure out where you are off track and make an action plan to start changing.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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How do you feel when your partner makes a small change that you have been asking for? Suppose you have been unhappy about your partner’s shoes piling up by the door. What would happen if he or she stopped doing that?

It’s logical to think that if something makes you unhappy, and it no longer happens, you will feel happier. That’s often not how it works.

What usually happens is that you’ll quickly forget about the change your partner recently made, and you’ll start focusing on another aggravating thing they do.

It’s as if you have a set level of unhappiness. When things change for the better, you find something else to be upset about.

I call this your Unhappiness Quotient (UQ).  It’s your mental habit of focusing on what’s wrong and being unhappy about it.

If you have a high Unhappiness Quotient, you’ve probably heard your partner say things like “You’re never happy!” or “It’s always glass-half-empty with you!”  You may eventually find that your partner starts avoiding you or hiding things from you.

Without a doubt, your Unhappiness Quotient is getting in the way of a smooth and positive relationship.

The bad news is that you were likely born with your Unhappiness Quotient because it’s largely hereditary. The good news is that if you apply yourself, you can break free of its effects.

How do you fight your Unhappiness Quotient?

There has been a lot of research into what you can do to make yourself happier from the inside. Here are a few ideas from what the research says can help.

• Acknowledge any positive change.  Force yourself to remember the positive changes your partner has made for you. For example, every time you walk by the front door, make a mental note of how uncluttered it looks without your partner’s shoes.
• Focus on the good things.  Catch yourself when you start to make a mental list of your partner’s flaws. For every thing that bothers you, push yourself to remember something about your partner that makes you happy.
• Step into their shoes.  Remember that you make your partner unhappy in some ways, too, and that it would be awful if your partner complained to you about every little thing.

But if you find that lots of things your partner does upset you and you can’t get out of your mental rut, counseling may help.

Positive psychology, a form of counseling that is based on what makes people happy, can help you figure out if your feelings are coming from you, your partner, or a combination. Positive psychology is a short-term, solution-focused form of counseling. Individuals and couples can use it to improve their relationship.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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Almost everyone wants a good relationship. We want to live “happily ever after.” If we create a good relationship with our partner, research finds that we will live “healthier ever after,” too. 

There could be many reasons why good relationships lead to good health. Your partner can support you when you’re stressed. He or she also can encourage you to keep doctor’s appointments, take your medications, drink less alcohol, and exercise more.

Whatever the mechanism, we know that if you’re in a good relationship, you’ll have lower cortisol and less inflammation in your blood, putting you at a lower risk for many serious diseases.

Stop Arguing to Live Longer

The reverse is also true. For example, if you have a lot of conflict in your relationship, you are likely to

• Feel more pain on days when you argue with your partner.
• Die if you have a heart attack, a stroke, or get cancer.
• Get dementia as you age.

Even the way you handle conflict affects your health. One study tracked couples for 20 years. It turned out that partners who exploded in anger were more like to develop heart disease. Partners who stonewalled, on the other hand, were more likely to have backaches, stiff necks, and muscle tension.

Learn How to Argue Well

The bottom line? Learn how to solve problems without arguing. If you do have a fight, learn how to use positive words and assertive, not aggressive, communication. If you don’t, you’re risking your health and longevity — as well as your partner’s.

Old habits are hard to break. It’s human nature to slip into old ways of doing things the minute we stop trying.

If you are finding it hard to improve your relationship, we can help. We’ll teach you good communication skills that will help you talk without blowing up or storming off in anger.

Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about us and see how we can help.

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Conflict is inevitable, but relationship damage is not. Knowing how to make up after a fight is called relationship repair. If you learn how to repair your relationship after a fight, you will build trust and security. You also will make it more likely that your future arguments will be shorter and less severe.

Relationship repair has five parts.

1. Accepting that you are partly responsible for how the argument ended.
2. Approaching your partner in a spirit of humility and concern.
3. Allowing your partner to tell you what the argument was like for them.
4. Apologizing for what you did that hurt your partner.
5. Announcing that you are committed to doing better, and asking your partner to do the same.

When you reach back toward your partner to make up after a fight, you are not admitting that you are wrong or guilty. Circling back is not the same thing as admitting guilt.

The first step, accepting your role, is the hardest. Like most people, you probably find it easier to see your partner’s bad behavior than your own. Even if you don’t know how you contributed to the argument, you can be certain that “It takes two to tango.”

The second step, approaching your partner, is a way to break through avoidance and stonewalling. Even if you’re the one who usually reaches out, it’s in your best interest to clear the air.

“That didn’t go so well, did it? Do you feel ready to talk about it?”

It’s important to reach out in a spirit of humility and concern. Humility shows that you accepted your role in the creating the bad outcome:

“I really got upset back there. I am sure I hurt your feelings.”

The third step, allowing, gives your partner a chance to talk about how your behavior affected them. It’s very important in this step to keep the focus on how the two of you behaved. It’s not time yet to switch to talking about the problem that started the argument.

“Tell me what that was like for you. It couldn’t have been easy.”

When you apologize, in the fourth step, remember that you are apologizing for your hurtful behaviors in the argument. There is no need to apologize for a laundry list of things you’ve done in the past. It’s okay to remind your partner that you’re referring only to that one, recent argument.

In the fifth and final step, you announce that you are committed to doing better. List the specific ways you will try to improve. Ask your partner to tell you exactly what improvements he or she will make, as well.

Once you and your partner have gone through these five steps, you will be ready to go back to the problem you were trying to solve before you had the argument.

If you follow these five steps, and hold each other accountable for using them after arguments, you will build a foundation that will allow you to resolve conflicts more quickly and easily.

However, sometimes patterns are so entrenched that change is difficult on your own. If so, we can help. It’s easy to learn good communication skills and repair your relationship while you solve your problems. Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about our services and see how counseling can help.

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While it may not seem romantic, relationship apps can make it easier to remember to do the little things that build your relationship and keep it strong. One app, called Smart Couple (download link) lets you create a profile of the things that make your partner feel loved. Then it helps you keep track of how often you do them.

For example, suppose your partner feels most loved when you express love through physical touch. Using the app, you can enter how often your partner would like to have affectionate touch, then use a sticker to log each time you initiate touch. If you haven’t initiated physical touch, whether a hug, a kiss, a shoulder rub, or more, in a while, the app will remind you to do so.

The Smart Couple app also helps you keep track of your partner’s birthday, your anniversary, valentine’s day, and other important dates and remind you about them in plenty of time for you to be ready.

The app seems to be based on love languages, which were first described in the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. As such, the app is based on tried and true theory of how to build positive feelings in your relationship.

The app also allows you to keep tabs on the frequency of your negative interactions so you can balance them with positive ones. Research by John Gottman, PhD, suggests that you must have five positive interactions for every negative one to protect your relationship.

Put another way, using the app may help you make deposits in your emotional bank account. Dr. Gottman, also found that making more deposits than withdrawals in your emotional bank account is important for keeping your relationship in good health.

There are other apps that can help you keep your relationship strong. I will review those in future blogs. In the meantime, check out the Smart Couple app. It’s available for iPhones and iPads for free in the Apple store.  

If you try out the Smart Couple app, let us know how you like it by using the Caring Couples web form.  If using the app isn’t enough to bring positivity to your relationship, then maybe relationship counseling is a good idea. Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about our services and see how counseling can help.

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Sometimes, no matter how nicely you tell your partner about a problem, your partner gets defensive.

Your partner’s defensiveness always has the same goal: to avoid taking any responsibility for a problem. Perhaps these common defensive reactions sound familiar:

• Reversing. Your partner finds a way to blame you for the problem.
• Stonewalling. Your partner avoids you or changes the subject.
• Vexing. Your partner gets insulted or says you’re unreasonable or unfair.
• Arguing. Your partner debates you on why you are wrong.

Countering Moves

Instead of getting upset when your partner gets defensive, try using a countering move. Countering moves are designed to keep the focus on the topic at hand. Here are some countering moves that work:

• Repeating. (Being a broken record. Keep repeating your point calmly, over and over, as many times as needed for your partner to listen). “Yes, I hear you, but my point is___.” “Yes, but what I am saying is ___.”
• Redirecting. (Pointing out the process, commenting on what is going on). “We’re getting off track again. Let’s not change the subject. What I am saying is ___.”
• Validating. (Letting your partner know his or her views have merit). “That’s a good point. I could be more attentive. I’d like to hear about it another time. What I’m talking about now is ___.”
• Refocusing. (Make an affirmation, nod your head, and quickly get back to your point). “Yes”, “Okay”, or “Maybe” and then “What I’m saying is ___.”

Before using a countering move, rehearse it mentally. It may take many attempts to get skillful at countering. Review your attempts to see where you got off track.

Repairing

Showing admiration, appreciation, and empathy during arguments makes it easier for your partner to stay engaged. It reduces defensiveness. It’s hard to think of something good to say when you’re upset, but it’s worth the effort. Repairing can sound like this:

• Admiring. “Ninety-nine percent of the time you’re very considerate. I know you care about me.”
• Appreciating. “I’m grateful that you’re taking the time to listen. It means a lot to me.”
• Empathizing. “I know this is hard for you. You’re sick of hearing about it, I’m sure.”

Taking a Time Out

If your partner starts to get upset, chances are you’re getting upset too. You might need a time out. It is usually unproductive to tell your partner he or she needs a time out. It is best to say you need one yourself. Taking a time out has three steps:

• Announcing. (Announcing your feelings). “I’m starting to get too upset. I need a few minutes to calm down.”
• Inviting. (Inviting your partner to talk again later). “Let’s talk more about this later. When is good for you?”
• Approaching. (Approaching your partner to follow up). “We said we’d talk again after dinner. Is this a good time?”

If you use these techniques consistently, you should see changes in how your partner responds to you. However, sometimes patterns are so entrenched that change is difficult on your own. If so, we can help. It’s easy to learn good communication skills and repair your relationship while you solve your problems. Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about our services and see how counseling can help.

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There are only three styles of handling anger: stuffing, escalating, and complaining. Of the three, only complaining leads to a happy relationship.

Stuffing

When you stuff your anger, you back away from your or your partner’s anger. Maybe you stuff because

• You don’t want to hurt your partner.
• You see anger as a sign of weakness.
• You think you’ll be rejected or ignored.

Your partner usually sees through you anyway. Perhaps you get sarcastic. Or you “forget” to do things your partner wants. Or you avoid your partner altogether.

Escalating

If you escalate, you have no problem showing anger. Sometimes you get loud. You tell your partner why you’re angry in no uncertain terms. Maybe you escalate because

• You think blowing off steam is healthy.
• You doubt you’ll get your partner’s attention.
• You want to change your partner.

When you escalate, you win the battle, but lose the war. Your partner will either stuff or escalate in response. You will damage your relationship.

Complaining

Complaining is the only productive way to handle anger. You calmly tell your partner exactly why you are angry. You talk about your feelings and not your partner’s shortcomings. Here’s a simple formula for complaining:

I AM ANGRY BECAUSE _________________________________________

(E.g., “I am angry because I had to wait a half hour and you didn’t tell me you’d be late.”)

I WOULD LIKE _________________________________________

(E.g., “I would like you to be on time, or let me know you’ll be late so I can adjust my schedule.”)

If you complain properly, you give your partner no reason to stuff or escalate.

When the couples we see in therapy learn how to complain well, both partners are relieved. They start solving their problems instead of wasting time in arguments.

But there are no guarantees. You may be great at complaining and your partner still may get defensive. Our next blog will help you respond to your partner’s defensiveness in ways that get results.

If you and your partner are having trouble expressing anger productively, we can help. It’s easy to learn good communication skills and repair your relationship while you solve your problems. Feel free to contact us for a free consultation, to learn about our services and see how counseling can help.

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